Kya tanhai kabhi kaat-ti hai apko?
These days I’m attending a Radio & TV Workshop & mingling with people of different chronological age. Most of them are a few summers younger than me. We interact as a group, rehearse our scripts & pass opinions in an endeavor to help each other better our respective performances. There exists a camaraderie that diminishes the divide of age/gender/ethnic background, religion, class etc
As we get to know one another, my mates were pleasantly surprised that I had a daughter. Pratt came the question from a member…what does your husband do?
Well…. I don’t have one…said me.
Huh? What does that mean…said she.
I’m a divorcee, so technically I’m single…but do have a lovely daughter.
Oh! That’s sad…Kya tanhai kaat-ti hai apko kabhi?
I answer her question with another quirky one & let it go….but it’s at the back of my mind this evening.
It’s been long…very long since I have traversed that path. Have preferred to bury the past in some deep crevice of my brain & unconsciously wiped off the happy memories that connected my ex-husband & me. I draw a blank when I try to remember the most ecstatic moment that we had together….I’m sure there were quite a few.
Coming back to the afternoon’s question…does the loneliness get under your skin? I ponder. What is loneliness? Why do we associate a widow or divorcee to sadness…frustration…desperation...unhappiness?
Yes, I was lonely. Terribly lonely. A long time ago in the prime of my youth. There I was…married & representing a picture happy portrait of a blessed family life. But the truth was that I was alone. The loneliness started gradually as his drinking escalated.
We went to silent dinners. I remember this incident when the man sitting diagonally opposite to us was suddenly beaten up mercilessly by my ex because he was getting a little too interested in me (is my ex’s version of the story). It pained me that he was sensitive enough to observe who was taking a shine for me…but didn’t see the emptiness that stared back at him across the table. That is loneliness.
We had a fight over his drinking binges. The next day our phone rang the entire day. Calls from our relatives & friends wishing & blessing me on my birthday. I would talk loudly in my immature attempt to draw his attention to this occasion so he could wish me. Both of us adamant not to give in. Me justifying my stance reasoning it’s my day & his prerogative to wish me. Well…that didn’t happen. Another silent dinner & our backs facing one another as we slept that night. That is loneliness.
The trips to the gynaecologist for the routine pregnancy check-ups were most of the times either with my mother or my mother-in-law. That is loneliness.
The pregnancy spilled the hormones all over the place & made me terribly weepy. Pregnant for the first time, I looked for love & affection with a lot of pampering from my husband as I dreamt would happen. Most of the nights, a full-blown pregnant me, would stand all night at the window anxiously awaiting his return. Every little sound the lift made descending & ascending in the quite of the night made me run to the door to look though the peep hole anticipating his return. That is loneliness.
The labour pains lasted a grueling 18 hours. It’s god gift that one forgets the intensity of the pain as time passes. What I do remember is that it made me feel that I might die. I had never experienced something of this intensity & magnitude before. The entire family (his & mine put together) stayed put anxiously at the hospital the entire day & night. My eye’s searched for him. He came at regular intervals to check on the developments fully sozzeled. It infuriated me to see the lack of concern & disconnect. Looking back I realize…probably it was his weakness. He was too weak to face a situation without a boost from a drink. That was loneliness.
The last holiday we had together. He was trying hard to stay sober. Said the right things at the right moments. We were having a wonderful time, which made me believe in the tiny ray of hope that I could see emanating through the dark unrelenting wall that had come in between us. He suddenly disappears & comes back after a few hours drunk & apologetic. That is loneliness.
Trying times had left their cruel mark on me. I was angry at the slightest provocation, sulking & trying to find fault in anything that spelt happiness.
The turning point was some talk show I was watching that discussed the importance of loving oneself. Putting your own self first & how when one feels happy & content with themselves…the rest automatically falls in place. THAT…was as eye opener. I realized how I used to read my ex’s star sign before reading mine, saving up all the prawn pieces in my plate since he loved it. Hearing the music he liked…socializing with friends who he felt comfortable with. Dressing the way he liked. All those little things that we do not pay attention to in a normal situation.
Precious time had been lost. But all was not over. After all, I had a wonderful support system in my family & friends, guiding / plodding me at every stage when my belief dwindled.
It’s been one helluva journey & experience. Divorce has made me a better person. It’s made me more sensitive towards people I care about. Strive harder & with small achievements along the journey, a confidence & happiness that was not there when everyone thought… it was.
I’m single & definitely not lonely. Have met men who I found interesting initially only to realize that we didn’t compliment one another to be in a relationship forever. There’s no agenda. No plans for the future. Just live the present day with gusto & enthusiasm.
This is probably not what people expect from a divorcee. The picture of hopelessness & defeat is what they want. Blood & gore is in. How can she be enthusiastic after all this? It puzzles them. She’s not fit for our sympathy. Look how she’s enjoying her freedom. She’s probably demented.
Well…what the heck! who cares!
Copyright © BuntysBanter 2006
As we get to know one another, my mates were pleasantly surprised that I had a daughter. Pratt came the question from a member…what does your husband do?
Well…. I don’t have one…said me.
Huh? What does that mean…said she.
I’m a divorcee, so technically I’m single…but do have a lovely daughter.
Oh! That’s sad…Kya tanhai kaat-ti hai apko kabhi?
I answer her question with another quirky one & let it go….but it’s at the back of my mind this evening.
It’s been long…very long since I have traversed that path. Have preferred to bury the past in some deep crevice of my brain & unconsciously wiped off the happy memories that connected my ex-husband & me. I draw a blank when I try to remember the most ecstatic moment that we had together….I’m sure there were quite a few.
Coming back to the afternoon’s question…does the loneliness get under your skin? I ponder. What is loneliness? Why do we associate a widow or divorcee to sadness…frustration…desperation...unhappiness?
Yes, I was lonely. Terribly lonely. A long time ago in the prime of my youth. There I was…married & representing a picture happy portrait of a blessed family life. But the truth was that I was alone. The loneliness started gradually as his drinking escalated.
We went to silent dinners. I remember this incident when the man sitting diagonally opposite to us was suddenly beaten up mercilessly by my ex because he was getting a little too interested in me (is my ex’s version of the story). It pained me that he was sensitive enough to observe who was taking a shine for me…but didn’t see the emptiness that stared back at him across the table. That is loneliness.
We had a fight over his drinking binges. The next day our phone rang the entire day. Calls from our relatives & friends wishing & blessing me on my birthday. I would talk loudly in my immature attempt to draw his attention to this occasion so he could wish me. Both of us adamant not to give in. Me justifying my stance reasoning it’s my day & his prerogative to wish me. Well…that didn’t happen. Another silent dinner & our backs facing one another as we slept that night. That is loneliness.
The trips to the gynaecologist for the routine pregnancy check-ups were most of the times either with my mother or my mother-in-law. That is loneliness.
The pregnancy spilled the hormones all over the place & made me terribly weepy. Pregnant for the first time, I looked for love & affection with a lot of pampering from my husband as I dreamt would happen. Most of the nights, a full-blown pregnant me, would stand all night at the window anxiously awaiting his return. Every little sound the lift made descending & ascending in the quite of the night made me run to the door to look though the peep hole anticipating his return. That is loneliness.
The labour pains lasted a grueling 18 hours. It’s god gift that one forgets the intensity of the pain as time passes. What I do remember is that it made me feel that I might die. I had never experienced something of this intensity & magnitude before. The entire family (his & mine put together) stayed put anxiously at the hospital the entire day & night. My eye’s searched for him. He came at regular intervals to check on the developments fully sozzeled. It infuriated me to see the lack of concern & disconnect. Looking back I realize…probably it was his weakness. He was too weak to face a situation without a boost from a drink. That was loneliness.
The last holiday we had together. He was trying hard to stay sober. Said the right things at the right moments. We were having a wonderful time, which made me believe in the tiny ray of hope that I could see emanating through the dark unrelenting wall that had come in between us. He suddenly disappears & comes back after a few hours drunk & apologetic. That is loneliness.
Trying times had left their cruel mark on me. I was angry at the slightest provocation, sulking & trying to find fault in anything that spelt happiness.
The turning point was some talk show I was watching that discussed the importance of loving oneself. Putting your own self first & how when one feels happy & content with themselves…the rest automatically falls in place. THAT…was as eye opener. I realized how I used to read my ex’s star sign before reading mine, saving up all the prawn pieces in my plate since he loved it. Hearing the music he liked…socializing with friends who he felt comfortable with. Dressing the way he liked. All those little things that we do not pay attention to in a normal situation.
Precious time had been lost. But all was not over. After all, I had a wonderful support system in my family & friends, guiding / plodding me at every stage when my belief dwindled.
It’s been one helluva journey & experience. Divorce has made me a better person. It’s made me more sensitive towards people I care about. Strive harder & with small achievements along the journey, a confidence & happiness that was not there when everyone thought… it was.
I’m single & definitely not lonely. Have met men who I found interesting initially only to realize that we didn’t compliment one another to be in a relationship forever. There’s no agenda. No plans for the future. Just live the present day with gusto & enthusiasm.
This is probably not what people expect from a divorcee. The picture of hopelessness & defeat is what they want. Blood & gore is in. How can she be enthusiastic after all this? It puzzles them. She’s not fit for our sympathy. Look how she’s enjoying her freedom. She’s probably demented.
Well…what the heck! who cares!
Copyright © BuntysBanter 2006
posted by Bunty's Banter at 12:58 PM
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